Dear Harttz

I guess it’s been about a month. Am I feeling that same pain, angst, or am I feeling you?

What happened back in March? I see now it we were together for two months, and I miss every second from then.

It’s hard for me to think that you started to fear something, but that weekend when I got sick, you turned your back on me, and I still don’t know why.

I may be broken, but I can still feel that pain in my stomach, as if I didn’t get sick. And then later, I think I told you, the constantly throbbing pain in my chest. You blame me for this, but what does that mean? What is “this”? Why is it mine? I don’t feel like I have anything.

I’m so tired, all around. I don’t think you realize what you do to me. I never said I wanted to change anything. I was happy. You made me happy and then you deserted me. Then, when I ask for even the smallest pieces back, it’s just an act. Now, I don’t know if anything was ever real. Did this “early winter” happen? Why am I lying awake at 4 in the morning?

I’m sure you remember how many times we thought we had a relationship stronger than other people, that we could tell the truth, even if it hurt. If you do know, why couldn’t you tell me?

None of those questions really matter though. You want to think that if you give me the truth, that I will break everything to have that reality.

You’re wrong. Do you remember the first few days… maybe weeks? I didn’t move an inch. You said we can’t move, and I didn’t, and still you told me how you were breaking all around me. I held the line as long as I could, but you crossed every ocean, drilled ever hole, and seemed to drift effortless over every obstacle.

“But though Adam’s lips said Eve, his soul always echoed Lilith.”

You have to tell me, what does it mean to you? Why did you have to find this even when I asked you to forget it? Why did you have to bend your words only to take them back. Which ones are the false words you will say? And what are the true words you won’t say?

Why was it so important to tell me about your ring?

Where are you baby?

Please come home.

Posted Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011 under Uncategorized.

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